Monthly Archives: March 2020

“Am I Enough?”

For this Lenten season I wrote eight devotions for my church. In one I wrote about how sometimes God asks me if I love him. In my most honest and quiet moments, I have to admit I don’t love him as much as I know I should (I’ve added said devotion below).

Now God is asking me, “Am I enough?”

Again, if I am to be honest, I have to answer no on that, too. If he was enough, I wouldn’t stress or worry over anything, let alone the things I can’t control.

I long for him to be enough, but I also have to do my part—and that’s to trust him and seek him out when I’m feeling overwhelmed. He has never, and never will, let me down. Even if (when) I suffer difficult times, he’s always there to give me the strength and wisdom to make it through. As long as I trust him and know that he is indeed… not just enough. More than enough.

Not Without Help

I like to say I depend on God, and it is true. Sometimes. More often than not, though, I like to go my own way and don’t invite God to join me. He comes along anyway, a few steps behind, watching, waiting. Perhaps even shaking his head at my incessant idiocy of trying to do things my way and failing.

One problem of doing things on my own is I start to feel alone, abandoned even. Worse, I begin to lose my sense of right and wrong. I make excuses for my actions—my sins. I sometimes even consider them not sins at all.

When that happens, I no longer sense God’s presence. His voice becomes weaker, but when I do stop and strain my spiritual ears, I hear him ask, “Do you love me?”

John 14:15-16 (ESV) says, “If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Helper to be with you forever.” There’s that word again. The big “if”. The qualifier to all of God’s promises.

Do I love God? Tough question, because I want to say “yes” without hesitation or equivocation. Yet I have to admit it’s not always true. Pride in myself interferes.

I should therefore not be surprised when the Helper Jesus promised goes silent.

We must always keep in mind that while Jesus is always ready to forgive us and intercede on our behalf, and the Helper always ready to give us the strength and wisdom we need to face whatever comes our way, we must do our part. We must love him above all else, and keep his commandments as an expression of that love. What a tiny sacrifice compared to what Jesus did for us.

Not A Model Prisoner

Many years ago, my husband, Dave, and I went on a road trip. We stopped in a small town to get gas and use the restrooms.

The door to the woman’s bathroom didn’t shut all the way, so I slammed it shut (didn’t want someone to walk in on me). Afterward, I tried to leave, but the door was stuck. No amount of pushing made it budge.

I called out for help and a few minutes later the gas station attendant said, “Slip five dollars under the door and I’ll let you out.”

I was already furious for being locked in a bathroom, but that comment set me off. I don’t remember what I said, but it for sure wasn’t kind. Dave told the attendant to let me out or he would tear the door off its hinges. The attendant tried, but to no avail. Dave took a screwdriver out of our car and managed to pry it open. I exploded out of that room so fast, both Dave and the attendant had to scramble backward or risk being punched or run over. I think my glare at the attendant was severe enough for him to feel Death blow its cold breath on his neck. At least that’s what his shocked and suddenly pale face told me.

We were going to stop to eat in that small town, but I was so pissed that I didn’t want even to eat there. I told Dave to drive as fast as he could to get me as far away as soon as possible.

I learned an interesting fact about myself that day: I don’t like being forced to stay somewhere, however temporary.

That sensation appeared again after my son, Tom was born. Since I had a C-section, the hospital required I that stay for three days. We had a lovely, large room with a comfortable bed, but after less than a day, I begged every doctor and nurse that entered my room to let me go home. After another 24 hours, they finally let me go. I think they got tired of me asking.

I would never make a good prisoner. Sure, I sometimes don’t leave my house for days and it’s not an issue. That’s because I choose to stay. Tell me I can’t leave, and I get a bit cranky (to put it mildly).

That’s why enduring all these new rules (even if they are temporary) is so difficult for me. I’m still being imprisoned against my will.

One thing’s for sure. No one has to worry about me committing a crime that may result in jail or prison. I wouldn’t survive long in either.

Who Are You?

In good times, it’s easy to put on a mask, and present ourselves as someone we think people prefer to see. We want to look like we’re all together, happy and content. Part of it is not wanting to burden others–to be a “wet blanket” to use a cliche. The biggest reason, however, is pride. We want to show the world we’re better than we are; no one likes to admit their shortfalls, mistakes, and weaknesses.

That “perfect” mask we’ve created we also keep on for ourselves. I’ve said countless times that we humans are experts at deceiving ourselves.

When troubled times hit, however, that mask falls away, and we can no longer hide from the real face in the mirror.

I saw a meme a few days ago that said, “I guess God got so mad about all of our fighting down here that he sent us all to our rooms.”

Funny, but true in a way as well. When parents send children to their room for misbehaving, it’s in the hope they’ll take that time to contemplate what they did wrong, and how they can do better next time.

I, for one, got a glimpse of who I am with regard to facing troubles not of my making, and one with which I have no immediate solution. Like so many others, I am at the mercy of my own government telling me what I can and cannot do, where I can and cannot go, and with whom I am allowed and not allowed to spend my time.

The rebel in me had a two-week long temper tantrum (as everyone who’s been reading these posts as well as my Twitter and/or Facebook feeds can attest).

With my mask now shattered at my feet, I must face the awful truth in that I’ve yet to take my own advice.

When stripped of all pretense and deception, who I am is a spoiled, angry hypocrite.

Nor am I unique. I keep thinking of the Israelites when God rescued them out of Egypt in Exodus. Talk about complainers! It seemed that no matter how well God took care of their needs, it was never enough. One of my favorite passages was when the Israelites reached the Red Sea, and they saw the Egyptians marching after them. They screamed at Moses that they were better off as slaves in Egypt, because at least there they wouldn’t be massacred.

I don’t think they feared the Egyptians so much as the unknown. At least as slaves, they knew what their future held. Heading toward an unknown wilderness–even freely–can be a terrifying idea.

We are in a similar (if figurative) unknown wilderness now. We can’t help but ask, “When will this end? Will I have a job when it’s all said and done, and even if I do, how do I feed my family and pay all my bills in the meantime?”

Many have said we need not fear, and that we should trust God, and pray unceasingly. Moses said as much in Exodus 14:13-14 (ESV): “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”

I love God’s response (vs 15): ”Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward.” He then went on to part the Red Sea and deliver the Israelites from the Egyptians.

We should absolutely continue to pray and trust God without qualification, yet at the same time we need to listen. He might also be asking us to “go forward.”

Regardless of what our government is doing (whether rightly or wrongly is a different discussion), we are not completely helpless or without means or resources. We may have to drop our masks in front of others and ask for help, while at the same time look for ways we can help those with even fewer resources.

Listen

Anyone who’s read my posts here and on Facebook over the last few days knows I’ve been going back and forth between sarcasm and humor, frustration and sadness. Some might have been a little irritated with all that back and forth, and for that I apologize.

The main reason is I lost a bit of hope. Everything seems to have fallen apart all at once. Businesses have closed and canceled events. People are unwilling to meet even the smallest of gatherings. My own company is effectively shut down because of state mandates, fear of infection, and lack of work. I have the option to take vacation and/or sick pay, but I told my boss I won’t take any. It doesn’t seem right to get paid when the company isn’t receiving any income to cover it. I’m still technically employed (I come in only when there’s work to do, and as of now I have maybe four hour’s worth on Monday), but for how long? Even though my husband and I have a decent nest egg that will keep us afloat for at least three months, I hate the idea of not working.

All in all, it’s the uncertainty of it all I can’t tolerate.

Worse, God has been silent.

Does that mean I believe he’s abandoned me?

No. Although it’s taken about two weeks, I now understand the reason for his silence.

My mom once told me a story of when she was a child. They went to a store and my mom saw a bag of beads. She begged Grandma to buy them for her, but she said no. My mom threw herself to the floor and proceeded to cry, kick, and scream. Instead of giving in, Grandma gently placed her foot on my mom’s chest, crossed her arms and waited for my mom to calm down.

I am that child. My life has been great, wanting for nothing. Now that I may lose my livelihood and can no longer do the things I enjoy (even if it’s not permanent), I spiritually threw myself on the floor kicking and screaming. What else could God do but gently put his foot on my chest and wait for me to calm down?

He knew I wasn’t yet ready to listen.

Perusing Facebook this morning, people have commented that they prayed for me. It must have worked, because I’m feeling much better. I’m more calm and can hear God whispering a bit louder now.

What’s he telling me? The same things I’ve been trying to say to others: to not worry, and to keep on doing good. Because nowhere does any of the scripture I’ve shared include any caveats. We do good and refrain from worry by believing in and trusting God, no matter what. Our circumstances are irrelevant to all of that.

Now some might be thinking, “At least you have something to fall back on. What about those who don’t? Do you really have cause to complain?”

Yes, and no. My complaints are not intended to minimize or shove aside those who have it harder, but to show that no matter where a person is in life (financially or otherwise), we all have stresses, concerns and insecurities. We also have an innate and undeniable sense of survival. People now are in survival mode (although it is lessening, hallelujah!), and that makes thinking of others before or at the same time as ourselves is near impossible. No one is immune to that, no matter their tax bracket.

Because I am doing better than most, and will likely have a lot of free time on my hands over the next few weeks, if you local folks need anything at all such as running errands, picking up supplies, or merely a shoulder to lean on, comment here or email me (Andra @ almarquardt.com). For those not as close, comment or email me anyway with your needs and concerns. I still might be able to make something happen for you.

Give Me a Reason

I don’t like to post scripture unless I start it with a real-world situation with which it applies (how’s that for an example of perfect sentence structure?). Part of why is because that’s what I want to see when others post scripture. Why did they think that particular passage was so important to share? How is it applicable to their life, and perhaps in turn mine, too?

Another reason is many of my readers aren’t Christians. I imagine they would roll their eyes and scroll on by without a second thought (no, that’s not a complaint; it’s an observation. I do the same when I see certain political posts).

A few days ago, I wrote a long entry about how, as a whole, people are anxious to the point of extreme stress, and that holding onto those feelings (as well as acting on them) is doing more harm than good. Two days later, and it appears I wasted my time. People are more anxious and more stressed than before. I fear no amount of scripture or real-world examples will make any difference–even amongst Christians.

I often point out that the only thing in this world I can control is me. This is true for everyone. People will do what they will do, and this world will do what it will do. I am but one person out of eight billion, so how could I even dare to believe my words will make a difference? In other words, me posting on social media has as much positive effect as Grandpa Simpson yelling at the clouds.

Yet I try, and yet I hope, because that’s who I am–optimistic to the point of idiocy.

And if you thought I would refrain from posting an applicable biblical passage or two at the end of this, boy were you wrong.

2 Chronicles 15:7 (ESV): “But you, take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

Galatians 6:9 (ESV, emphasis mine): “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

Breathe

The headache started early yesterday afternoon. No big deal. I get them occasionally due to hormonal imbalances. Usually it’s a dull throb behind my eyes that doesn’t require medication.

Sometimes it worsens as the day goes on, and this was one of those days. Still not enough to make me get out of my chair to take some Excedrin, though. Then I watched our governor give a press conference closing all K-12 schools state-wide (public and private) for a week.

My son being twelve and my hubby self-employed, I don’t have to take time off from work to take care of him, or scramble to find either daycare or a babysitter. My heart does go out to those who do, though.

Still, my headache figuratively exploded and traveled up my skull and all the way down my neck. Even after taking two Excedrin, it refused to let go. My hormone-induced headache morphed into a tension headache. Oh, yippee.

I slept little, worrying over not so much what would happen to me or my family–or even my state as a whole other than more runs on grocery stores. I had hoped that this weekend would give people two days to calm down, reflect, and act a bit more rationally. Instead, I think people will continue to panic even more by stockpiling, cleaning out bank accounts, and pulling more money out of the stock market.

I may be wrong, and I sincerely hope I am, but never underestimate the irresistibly of survival instinct. The larger community matters little to the scared individual during those moments.

Which is why this morning I stood outside my house in one inch of snow and below-freezing temperatures to watch the sunrise (one of the benefits to hot flashes; I didn’t even shiver). Thick clouds covered the sky, but not enough to prevent all of the sun’s light from breaking through. Small birds chirped to announce the dawn, and while initially calm, a cold breeze soon wafted through, making the as yet bare trees wave at me. That I didn’t see the sun’s orange glow or the blue sky, the filtered gray light was still a reminder that regardless of what other people do, we can still count on the earth’s rotation, and the sun’s light and heat (yes, even in the winter however scant it may be) among many other constants we take for granted. For instance, we’re still in control of how to act or react to any given situation, no matter how trying.

Today (and possibly for the rest of the week), I resolve to not watch or listen to a single bit of news. I will avoid the incessant pessimism of both the news and social media in that we’re all doomed. Because we’re not. Historically we’ve weathered by far worse. We’ll get through this one, too, and hopefully we’ll march through to the other side a little bit wiser.

Some have said that it’s better to overreact to a situation than under-react. In the simplest terms, sure. The logic is still flawed, however, because those aren’t the only two options available. Maybe instead of knee-jerk overreacting, or pretending there’s no problem at all, we should stop and take time to study the facts through legitimate, scientific, and non-biased sources (which eliminates almost all news media). From there, we can rationally figure out the best course of action that doesn’t harm ourselves, others, and both the short and long term future.

While none of us can predict the future with certainty, we all have a hand in how it unfolds. As we pause, we must consider the consequences of our actions and how they will affect ourselves, our family, community, and our nation. Once we’ve formulated and pursue a logical plan of action, maybe then we can breathe a little easier. No more anxiety or fear, but with confidence and hope.

“Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?… So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:27 & 34 (NLT)

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.” 1 Timothy 1:7 (NLT, emphasis mine)